...move your feet, the power is in the process... flash forward 2015

    I have not rescued a horse since 2013, I have not actively trained a horse since 2010. I was feeling rusty in my skill set of teaching horses and their people when I had the chance to help an accomplished horse-friend with her new horse today.  A young, ginger mare of handy size and correct confirmation with a bright eye, nick-named lil' red.
   We did some saddle fitting with two distinctly different saddle styles, one a dressage type and the other a jumping type. I  showed how an English saddle should not look on the little sweet mare with thick withers and then how the other fit well; ginger in its color it matched the mare's copper coat with style and comfort.
   Like all young horses, she had a very short attention span and we needed to work quickly and deftly in the multi-purpose dooryard.

my space~her space

As I spent a few moments establishing her space, my space...she kept reaching for grass and got frustrated with my blocking her efforts. She clenched her jaw and I smiled as she showed me a flash of my beloved mare Fable, sassy yet loyal. This is going to be a lovely mount.

the jumping saddle fits very well

 Footing was recovering from spring's mud-thaw season and that's trippy for me. But the handy mare, just post-being-a-filly, did her best. We determined the Ovation jumping saddle was an ideal fit for the horse and next wanted my tallish, willowy friend to have a sit and see for her comfort in the saddle; it must fit her as well as her horse.. Deanna asked if she should mount from a block as her mare was not too tall, she could swing up from the turf. I suggested a block is always better for your saddle's tree, especially English saddles as they don't have a lot of tree to support the horse's back and you don't want to twist it from repeated mounts from the ground.
  We proceeded to the round pen and brought along the 3 step mounting block. "...has lil' red had any practice standing easily beside it?" "Not really..." We decided to start with a lesson in standing at the block properly. She had a rope halter clipped with a "natural horsemanship" lead rope. I've little experience with a heavy and long line on a horse and struggled with the coil in my left hand. Deanna stepped in and began moving the inexperienced horse around, but struggled to fit the horse by the block; to stand her broadside with the top step, standing on a relaxed lead. I advised that its worth it to teach a horse to lead up and stand quietly beside a block and practice both sides; its a good lesson in trust and self discipline for any horse.
  In my head, I’m thinking she's a young horse with limited experience and a swift moving attention span,  so I’d like to see her quiet and breathing easy. I wanted to share so many things about the first mount. how it needs to be relaxed, almost boring for the horse. We don't want to induce a bad experience here. I see more injuries for riders at the mount/dismount time of a ride. people rush, let the horse jig, or crow hop or freeze. All end badly and the horse is reinforced, unintentionally, that rider up or down is a bad thing.
  Lil' Red struggled with the new info; I struggled with the heat as I stumbled around. She followed my aimless moves; good little soul she is. I just wanted her to move her feet, to walk with me, any manner of direction; just she in her space so I could have mine. We went very slow, pausing often so I could rebalance myself. But she stayed with me. We got to the block and she stood on a slack line. Success for step 1a,b,c,d,e.

using my cane as a target

  We were all melting in the shadeless spring sun; My friend pulled the saddle and let it flop off the rookie horse just to add some resiliency training and let her chose her distance from us. Lingering at the block while she nibbled some grass, we swapped stories  laughing and clapped hands startling the grazing mare. She crow hopped big; off all four feet in sudden fright. That was the best part of the lesson, she got scared, recovered and realized she could survive random, weird moments. I made that point out loud, "...don't be afraid of making mistakes because, as long as no one gets hurt, we all learn that we can survive..." it makes us all more confident, more savvy. These incidental learning moments are the most golden of lessons;  it's very hard to choreograph, never mind anticipate, them(teaching the mare a reset button will come later).
  Satisfied with our simple accomplishment, it took all my concentration to walk back to the dooryard; I know my physical limits and had maxed them out in this short time. I'm no longer light on my feet or deft with the wand and lead-rope in my hands...no surprise to me. But, I was delighted to know that I recognized every sign in her body language, every movement in her confirmation, every message in her affect. Given cooler temps and lighter aids, I could offer her plenty to learn. If my friend is willing, I could teach her how to teach her lil' red horse.
  Walking away with that deeply warm familiar feeling of knowing what to do and how to do it, I smiled to myself realizing I may have lost my walk, but I have not lost my touch; thank you lil' red for teaching me that.

    luv, peace, love ~ ell
this one is for the horses who teach without judging with every breath they take.

photos courtesy of Deanna Stoppler lady centaur and farrier extrodinaire 

autism-ology

pensive at sunset

2nd day at the lake..... After several weeks of their hosting grandkids, me and my boyz, one classically autistic & one aspie, arrive for a two day visit at grandma and grandpa's lake house.
     At the end of a day of playing with clay Graham joined us for a boat ride on the big pontoon boat. As the evening ride came to a close, I noted that grandpa forgot his offer to Eli for a chance to drive, he's tired i thought and distracted by my ruff housing with Graham to redirect him from his itchy boy bits... I lost my hat overboard and failed in the attempt to retrieve it... no biggy as it was not expensive and don't spoil a lovely twilight cruise over such a minor thing ...I notice my folks don't enjoy the pensive  moments on their lake as I wish they could... the thoughts darting thru  my mindful filters.

    Dismounting the boat now tied to the dock, Graham requests more clay which requires digging it up from the lake bottom. I say "no more clay today"; before I can add,  "bed time now and clay tomorrow", my tired, disappointed boy runs to the far end of dock and begins to jump up and down and whine loudly as he is overcome with frustration. I grab the garden shovel to put away(reinforcing my 'no') and he gets louder, bouncing himself higher on the metal dock; he wants my attention. I determine he is safe where he is  80' from me at the far end of the dock; thus I follow the 2min-ignore behavior support practice his behavior team has in place. Grandma, in a micromanager command, begins to yell at him to stop and come back. She directs grandpa to go get him, so he throws the boat cover down and marches after Graham, escalating his anger in every step.

   As grandpa meets Graham,  I see the affect in his face change from upset about no clay and fleeing to the end of the dock at my 'no', to shock, panic and then fear. ( fight or flight is the base line of processing thoughts by autists; my parents don't recognize this). He takes a firm hold of Graham by the arm and escorts him back to shore. At this point grandpa is angry in his determined, rigid  body language (Graham reads body language very well, much like a horse uses it to measure their safety/trust with a person): at graham? at grandma's orders? at being interrupted in his boat-cover task? that Graham may throw post caps into lake? Who knows, but this act of non-compliance was not from a bratty point; it was non-compliance from a frustration point, Graham can not speak well, once he filled with fear (grabbed forcefully) he was consumed with flight or fight...he could not flee, so he chose fight. Full of fear not disrespect, he hit out at grandpa once on firm ground of shore. (smart enuff to wait til he was sure of his footing, I thought). Grandpa escalates in anger, and rebukes with angry words. Graham is in tears, I am silent and I walk him into the house and we stay downstairs. If grandpa had known to command him to "sit down,  calm down, hands down" while at the end of the dock, he would have said it and Graham would have complied. If grandpa had known to ask him, "what do you want" Graham would have said, "stop" when he was evading the forceful grasp. But grandpa didn't know; he went to his default behavior...might.

    Back in the house, as he sits on the bed with me, both of us choking back tears(i'm thinking what just happened here?! will this be a lasting trauma?), my silent son relaxes and begins to giggle... relieved to feel safe? to be with me? to be understood? someday he'll tell me. If nothing else, this exasperating  three minute incident was so clarifying to me:
      *he must have total supervision when he's in the bigger world (to prevent his mischief, yes; but more importantly to protect him from being misunderstood and maltreated by others, any others)
      *so the behaivor support plan can be followed and help him grow socially appropriate skills and use words rather than fight or flight. When grandpa got physical to get what he wanted (Graham's compliance), he unintentionally modelled 'might is right' solution for Graham, on Graham. Grandpa did the only thing he knew how to do; the baseline of his generation's oppressive social  skills. This is exactly what we've been working so hard to avoid. We want him to learn to use his words as a preferred behavior when he is dis-regulated. Once Graham learns that physical reaction is an option, how will we unteach it?
     * his grandparents' (and plenty of others) perspective in this, is one of gloom and doom. They see me as unable to control him, too frail in my own illness (they don't get that we strive to teach him how to control himself), they feel he is hopeless and should be institutionalized (they are not in our world of empowerment, AT, behavior supports, consistency, rehearsal...they are not in the world of autism)

    So i am in a corner...how to defend my son in a way that affirms his progress, his desire to comply, his processing delays, that his difference isn't less. How to respect my generous parents and encourage their relationship with him. He does not have friends, no invites to sleep-overs or parties....family is the center of his universe. Many typical people will perceive him as spoiled, over accommodated but they don't have a grasp of the big picture for him in terms of crafting  well practised acceptable behavioral communication for meeting their expectations. This puts Graham and others like him, at risk of trauma; not because he is a danger, but because he may choose the default of flight or fight when he is overwhelmed and that will put him into danger at the mercy of others.

    The whole thing was heartbreaking to watch. If family members don't understand his baseline affect...how will anyone else? I often leave any 'public' (aka not Graham's familiar environments) feeling so drained from trying to help Graham meet them where they are at, when they can not even perceive where he is at. My son is not the problem, his autism is not the problem; it's a dysfunctional, might-is-right, hasty world densely filled with  rigid expectations and inflexible limits, that he must navigate, that is the problem.
    My autism battles with Graham are nothing compared to the autism-ology wars  out there. I call it a war, as all parties need to see the perceptions of the other before 'peace' can be found. In his 13 years of being my son, ten of those as an autist, he has taught me so much about being human and 'what is good for autism is good for everyone'.


how to live autism ~ the fine print in autism-ology:

Blessed are the flexible for they don't get bent out of shape...
    be nimble in your expectations
don't assume a situation is out of control because it doesn't meet the 'normal' expectation

Baby steps are still steps... the power is in the process

Nothing for us with out us...ask if we need help before barging into the process

Different isn't less...adopt a 'works' or 'doesn't work' attitude and omit right v   wrong judgement from your mindset

When one person's expectations exceed the other person's limits, conflict  ensues...feelings are information, not instructions ....learn from that

joy riding the twin tube(Graham & Eli) just like his cousins

luv, peace and love (my happy place) ~ el

the hazy dream

a poem or stream of conscience, really

his world, his way

the hazy dream


in my sleepy dreams, he can speak clearly as any other child

in our hazy wakeful days, he can not

he is blond, and blue eyed and thirteen and he is silent

he smiles, he laughs, he giggles and sometimes frowns
 the way everyone, anyone can understand him

he walks, he runs, he jumps the way everyone, anyone can
 but he doesn't give hugs, he taps his forehead gently to mine

when i ignore his mands, the way a distracted mother would

he frames his face close to mine, and stares intensively into my eyes
 he gets my attention, the way the workers get his

he takes my arm, leads me to his desired tact, but still he cannot say it,
name it, describe the object at the tip of his finger

an approximation is all i will hear, i will struggle to understand,
 i will attempt to form the word for him, to model the sounds

he will smile coyly, he will giggle softly, he will take the thing...
 walk or maybe run to play with it in his imagined way.

And i will smile, i will curse, i will wonder out loud

when will the powers that be, step up their values,
open their minds, reach for his potential

and give him a 'voice' that we can all understand,
everywhere, every time
and if they won't do it, how do i?

before he gives up trying

~ell