becoming a Real Boy

this is an interesting back yard...

  My boyz are ten years old now. I marvel in their twin-ness and in their individuality. Each with their strengths and talents, their challenges and barriers along the weaving road to adulthood, creating the fabric of their lives. They are navigating a childhood in a world and time that is dense with media driven expectations where success is measured by data and statistics that fail to capture human-ness. I linger on the fringe of their days, observing the unfolding of their experiences as young boyz, on an ancient planet plagued with distractions that drown the natural learning of a curious mind in an interesting world. Most days I have to ration their time with electronics, animated stories, and sibling rivalries. But this day promised to be different. We were invited to visit the backyard of Graham's forth grade teacher, Ms. Aiosa.
  This is no small thing for us. Graham is classically autistic; non-verbal with some sensory processing quirks and a fearless curiosity that makes it stressful if not downright perilous to go visiting, anywhere. He approaches new environments with a mix of cautious yet persistent, exploration; able-bodied boy with selective reasoning. He'll take great care to climb a rock, but doesn't understand a road is a dangerous place. His twin brother, Eli, is quite opposite. Hyper verbal, precocious, articulate and larger than life. His imagination is vivid, fantastic and very absolute. Scary-smart, his reasoning is at the other end of the autism spectrum; making social algebra painfully elusive and emotions beyond his control when dis-regulated. But at the beginning and the end of their labels, they are boys. This is my favorite descriptor of them and watching them grow into their boyhoods is the salvation of my motherhood. This afternoon, would be a wondrous experience in witnessing this beautiful unfolding.
   Because we don't get invited to many outings, because it is often unsettling for the hostess, because it can be stressful for me to attempt to manage my boyz in a situation that is not supportive of their challenges, because I am a wilted parent on a warm summer day; this was an especially appreciated outing. It came about as I had given a thank you note to Graham's teacher as she was exceptional in her inclusive nature with him in her class room. Within it, I slipped a note, on neon pink paper, inquiring if she would like to tutor Graham over the summer, in a play-based, teachable moment  style. Some days later she phoned me and graciously offered to have us over to her back yard. She knows Graham and bit about Eli, but still she opened her home and summer comforts to us. A large pool, a deck, Popsicles, a frog pond, trails and her own young son... a boyz delight. I had to accept.
 After recording the complex, rural directions to her back-country homestead, we gathered up our gear and set out across our bucolic  town. I've lived here for 24 years and still, have not seen all corners of this Lamoille Valley township. Once 5 rural villages, the remnants of the farthest crossroads of Cambridge became visible in our drive out. Paved state roads, to dirt secondary, to smaller class 4 town road, to a narrow gravel lane marked private. Old farm walls and straining barns gave clues to a long ago place and time. Her directions were excellent and we glided into her door yard parking our 4wheel drive Honda next to hers. It was a custom cabin, following the round living style of a yurt but with all the artistry of a thoughtful mind. Surrounded by hardwoods, gardens, a timber gazibo and the grand pool, it had a welcoming energy. I would spend the afternoon studying the features of its design.

Eli and Jaccob ~ Marco Polo

   She came to greet us and introduce the boyz to her backyard, her son and her vision of a summer well spent. There was no awkwardness, only easy conversation as we settled in for an afternoon of fun and sun. Graham explored the surroundings with careful attention and mapping every detail in his mind. He noted the yard, the mulch pile, the deck and the pool. He spied dead oak leaves  and made haste to them. Crumbling the crisp, brown leaves in his hands, he would sprinkle them in sun beams. Eli changed urgently into his swim suit and headed for the pool with a triumphant leap. All smiles and elated with the clear waters and the quick friendship of Ms. Aiosa's son. Graham required a little persuasion to get him into his swim trunks before attempting the pool's ladder. He loves the water and this was upto his neck so he could manage independently. He joined the two playmates, laughing and smiling as they splashed and tumbled in the refreshing waters. He enjoys observing from the edges, not sure how to play their game of water fighting. He soon tired of the cool water and wet antics, climbing out of the ladder expertly and choosing his land clothes. He dressed himself again and headed for the house. A bathroom break and exploration of the floor plan before returning to the pool deck.

"I can use this raft to get there..."

"first I'll get on it..."

"...then I'll get off it..."

"I'll use the ladder to get out of the pool.."

 He found a floating, fabric ball and began chewing it. Pool water won't kill, but it will cause a belly ache, so I commanded his release of it and tossed it to the middle of the pool. Graham didn't become angry; he studied the situation. There were floating rafts in the pool, one by the edge of the deck. He commenced to test it for worthiness across the water. With Ms. Aiosa's support, he touched it, leaned on it and then climbed on. He would ferry himself to the ball, that was his mission. Back into swim shorts and then onto the float and around the edge. The ball was forgotten as he explored the raft and all the ways to climb on and off. He became the master of his ship. I smiled with his teacher as we realized he figured it all out by himself and that we don't give him enough credit. Graham learns by doing and he taught himself a new game. I pondered, where on the developmental milestones lists of autism, did this accomplishment  belong? In his boyhood adventures, it was a natural event that most parents would never witness and perhaps take for granted as a part of growing up. With Graham and his autism, nothing is taken for granted. Every success is marvelous.

"...humm, now where's the frog..."

"... come on Ms Aiosa.."

  Satisfied with his rafting skills, he left the pool and went for his land clothes again. He is diligent about the right clothes for the task at hand. This time our hostess would walk him to the frog pond. King Frog, immediately appeared and he was filled with curiosity. Though he doesn't speak words, his body language, and facial expressions convey volumes in his desires. He began to walk out on the narrow plank that united the shore to a small rock centered in the marshy pond. He's sure of his steps, so I wanted to watch; Ms. Aiosa was not so certain. He made it out to the rock and reached for her to come as well. She elected to stay on shore; he elected to move his feet on the slippery surface. SPLASH! and then splash again. He slipped off the rock into the murky waters of lilies, algae and frogs. She lept into 'save' him. The silty bottom made it hard for him to find his footing; he flashed a look of panic but then smiled when he could stand and his teacher's hands held his. My camera was shut down, so I missed this precious picture of a little boy, covered in green pond slime, smiling and pleased with his survival in this 'other-adventure'. For Ms Aiosa, it was a moment of "oh-no"... but for me I witnessed my son become a real boy. He took a chance, tried out an idea and survived the consequences. How many times do real boys take a risk, try something foolish, pick themselves up to try again. It makes them stronger, smarter, happier in testing themselves on the way to becoming human.
  On this day, Graham lived this milestone right before my eyes. In all my wishes for Graham, in all my hopes and dreams for him, the hope that he will know what it feels like  to be A Real Boy, is the biggest and broadest of them all. Another proud stripe in his boyhood; a gift beyond price given by a teacher who sees what I always see. The little boys beyond the labels. For Graham, self confidence; for Eli a new friend. Thank you Ms. Aiosa for a summer afternoon well spent.
luv and peace ~ ell