OK, since some friends have been compelled to ask; this post is about me and my injured brain. I do often reference it as though it were some kind of limb or appendage independent of my will. Unfortunately, it some times behaves as though it is, indeed, a separate entity. In the beginning, I had a healthy mind mostly, although that is up for debate; just ask my family. Then in 1984, I had a debilitating heat stroke while working construction that summer. I put myself to bed and slept it off for two days. The problem evolved when I did not know how devastating a heat stroke could be regarding permanent damage. So time muddled on, symptoms of "damage" were so subtle that I dismissed them as odd, random events that quickly self corrected. I always considered myself clumsy and prone to accidents. (Boy howdy, I've had more than a few) Meanwhile, throughout my twenties, thirties and until recently, I could do most everything I wanted to try in terms of physical accomplishments. Enter summer of 2007; a sudden change in ability emerged. I had to deliver a horse about 9 miles across the valley. An easy ride for me not many years ago. The horse was up for it as well. So, off we went on a gorgeous July day, on a veteran horse over an easy route to his new home. I made it a third of the way when debilitating balance and coordination issues beset me. About twenty minutes further along, I could not stay in the saddle; I wanted to gracefully dismount but instead, I tumbled out of the saddle. When I hit the ground, I couldn't help but wonder how many horses would have liked for that to happen years ago. Once on the ground, I could not coordinate my legs to stand me up. I could not gain my balance to hold my head up without holding it in my hands. I sat there, in a "neighbor's" driveway for thirty minutes before I could stand up and stagger over to a lawn chair where I sat in the shade for another thirty minutes. The neighbor took the horse the rest of the way to his new home (another 3 miles). I sat there, angry, annoyed, terrified. I resolved to see a neurologist, asap. A bunch of tests later, I mean a bunch, an MRI revealed clusters of areas of brain injury. Old brain injury. Recently however, it has expanded a little bit. No one knows why. No one knows if it'll stabilize, get worse, or resolve it self (highly unlikely). I was awash with confusion. How can this happen to me? Squeaky clean habits, healthy lifestyle, strong by vocation. . . No use in that line of thought. Within minutes, I was relieved that it was not a tumor or ALS or something mysteriously fatal. Fast forward a year, I am gaining some improvement over the symptoms which knock me off of my feet. I'm learning to read my needs for rest, wine and treatment. After a few false starts, we (me and my head doctor) are managing an effective plan of treatment and support. Over all, I'm happy that I have what I have, can do what I can do, can stand up and walk on any given day. Though admittedly, some days are worse than others. In this story of unexpected outcomes; there has been a delirious dance between the good and the bad. The realization that I have brain damage is terribly unfair. The symptoms, when acute, are blatantly laughable (a convenient scape goat when I screw up on anything...), humbling (a precarious position of "needing" help sometimes - most of the time - often from perfect strangers) and clarifying. This "brain-injury-thing" has forced me to focus, really focus, on what is dear to me. What I want for me, my kids, my legacy. With this involuntary limit, these binding rules of random dysfunction, I have to choose how I want to live life ~ everyday, every experience, every choice, every relationship. Nobody promises tomorrow. There is a silver lining; this is my second chance to live life with no regrets, no" if-only's", no "should'a" or "could'a". To say YES as often as possible. The only rules that matter now are be kind, be fair, practice forgiveness, listen well, answer gently, live fully, feel everything, look for goodness, be open to the possibilities. A promise to myself to laugh louder and cry harder, all with a good friend. To hold on, be held and follow the platinum rule: "treat others the way they would like to be treated". I've lucked out in all of this; God's grace and some good science have given me a very vivid look at my possible future; its up to me and my imagination, as to what I make probable. Don't worry about me ~ 'cause I'm not; I'll be out and about, living some dream with some friend with all my heart...
luv and peace ~ el
this one's for the folks who love me as is. . .
when life hands you lemons; make lemonade ~ when life is hard; make hard lemonade!
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